Down...

Recently, been really down... I think I am basically travelling from "angry mount" to "dissapointment valley", followed by "demotivated plains" and "emotionless highway". What happened to me!? Where is the bubbly, ever-so-positive, highly-strung and forward-looking GRACE?

Don't ask me what happened, 'cos my "volcano" might probably erupt yet once more.

I have been taught that "you are rewarded for what you sowed"; "treat others the way you want to be treated"; "life is unfair but you will get what is yours"; blah blah blah... Maybe I am just not in the right place at the right time, OR maybe it is just my luck, OR maybe this is my turn of "taking the blow" after life has been treating me with enough sugar and sweets...

NO, this is not the end of the world, NOR the end of my "personal-world", for the end of men is the beginning of GOD. Maybe this is God's speaking to me, turning me from my own strife and struggle to Him.
Yes, it must be!

"Lord, teach me to turn to You in each and every turn in my life. Grant me enough grace to sail through every storm and turmoil. Give me enough of Yourself so that my self can be reduced day by day. Humble me enough to learn that You are my God."

Till then, let me share this hymn I love to take refuge in my "low-time":

There are times in my life
When my heart is embittered.
There are questions unanswered,
Yet, You're drawing me
  To enter
  Into Your blessed sanctuary
  And turning my eyes heavenward,
  The questions of constant inquiry
  Are changed to these words,

"Whom do I have in heaven
But You, dear Jehovah.
My flesh and my heart
Constantly fail,
  But God's still
  The strength of my heart and my portion;
  To Him forever I'll draw near.
  I've made Jehovah my sweet refuge.
  So now throughout the years

Turn my view to see You,
How I need to see Jesus!!
Though I don't understand
The ways that You take;
  Lord, make me
  A babe and suckling always praising.
  Enjoying Your worth day by day.
  Let each experience constitute me
  So Your life I'll display
  In every way.

Source: http://www.hymnal.net/hymn.php/ns/287#ixzz1UhIyECoJ

Rejection

I am not good at handling rejection. I mean, who is? We were born to enjoy acceptance and praises from our parents, and later from our teachers, peers, colleagues, bosses, etc.

I must admit that this post is triggered by a series (at least, to me) of rejections that I get recently. I was not accustom to this. In fact, I realised that it has been a while since I last "endure" a serious rejection. (Between, does rejection from the train station pass card scanning machine, due to insufficient fund in the pass card count?)

I remember working as a part-time tele-surveyor when I was a student. The amount of rejections slammed on my face (or ear?) each day were uncountable! Also, the days when I went out door-knocking, preaching gospel. Oh, I tell ya, those rejections were more vivid than the ones done over the phone. Imagine someone slammed the door right on your nose. Worse still, the person whom I was trying to talk to suddenly excused himself, went into the house and came out with a broom or some hellish-looking dog! But hey, I survived, didn't I?

But when it comes to rejections relating to my professional credibility or capability, gosh, I am SO BAD in taking the "bomb landing". The thing is, I take pride in whatever I do and however I did it. I dare not say that I am the best in the field I am in currently, but I can definitely say that I have "something to give" in whatever I am doing.

Then...
I think it sort of dawn at me that perhaps, the "something I can give" might not match others' "something needed". Okay, fine! So, let it be... BUT, I still think that they owe me a clear explanation! At least, one that is more believable! Even though it means "you're not good enough to be here" or "we don't need people like you". Or maybe not...


Anyhow, read an article on the same subject and found this "gem": "Rejection is a 'necessary evil' to which we must all adjust in our own way."


So, maybe this is my answer for now. Whatever the reason for this mega-blow of rejection, it must turn out well on me eventually. It must... (trying to convince myself still)

Sharing

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vx2u5uUu3DE


This used to be my personal life anthem when I was much younger (not that I am that old now). Well, this song came by during the rebellious years of young age, trying to declare independence and to prove that I am in control of my life.
True enough, I worked hard, strive and struggled along the way...and managed to achieve something out of "my life". But meantime, you probably will not believe how many sleepless nights, sweat, tears, heartaches, etc. involved in the process of "did it my way". So much effort and struggle was put in place that I am not even sure if the "reward" pays off the "capital" I invested in all these years.
This - (I think) is the story for most of us, who are trying to achieve something in life and "live while I'm alive".

As the years went by, with many expected and unexpected experiences washed up my shore, it helps me to realised that there is only so much that we can do to achieve some scrap (or crap) in our lives. With much toil, sweat and tears, we can only achieve and "live" our lives to a certain (limited) extent. I was tired, no, exhausted to try harder in life. It's just too hard...

"Come to Me all who toil and are burdened, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am meek and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30

I used to "use" God in favour of my needs, no, "wants" in life; now I am learning to just trust in Him in everything He gives. I used to ask from Him the blessings in life; now I am learning to ask for Him alone. It took me so long to realised that what I really need is non other but God Himself, I am not going to leave Him lightly in my life.

I realised that the real "life" that we lead is not in this limited world; the "did it my way" is really, a hard and toiling way which brings limited and temporary reward; the real "live while I'm alive" is to live in Christ and for Christ.

Hence, just want to share this hymn which rings in my head since early morning today:

Once it was the blessing,
Now it is the Lord;
Once it was the feeling,
Now it is His Word;
Once His gift I wanted,
Now, the Giver own;
Once I sought for healing,
Now Himself alone.

Chorus:
All in all forever,
Only Christ I'll sing;
Everything is in Christ,
And Christ is everything.

Once 'twas painful trying,
Now 'tis perfect trust;
Once a half salvation,
Now the uttermost;
Once 'twas ceaseless holding,
Now He holds me fast;
Once 'twas constant drifting,
Now my anchor's cast.

Once 'twas busy planning,
Now 'tis trustful prayer;
Once 'twas anxious caring,
Now He has the care;
Once 'twas what I wanted,
Now what Jesus says;
Once 'twas constant asking,
Now 'tis ceaseless praise.

Once it was my working,
His it hence shall be;
Once I tried to use Him,
Now He uses me;
Once the pow'r I wanted,
Now the Mighty One;
Once for self I labored,
Now for Him alone.

Once I hoped in Jesus,
Now I know He's mine;
Once my lamps were dying,
Now they brightly shine;
Once for death I waited,
Now His coming hail;
And my hopes are anchored
Safe within the veil.

Source: http://www.hymnal.net/hymn.php/nt/513#ixzz1NWTaDGOH

I'm back!

It is amazing that though I have left this blog of mine remain unmaintained for more than 5 months and YET there are still visitors reading it. Thanks!~ Appreciate your visits to my blog. =)

I guess, being a mother of 2 certainly takes a toll on my "spare time" to write and express myself in this little space of mine. I believe in "talking it out", or in this case, "writing it out", as a self-help therapy to maintain my sanity as a human being. :)

Well, where to start? I think it is best to give a "snapshot" of some major events that happened between my last post and now.

1. We went back to Malaysia for a 2+ week holiday during CNY this year. It has been good but a hectic "holiday". Managed to have our favourite KFC (hot and spicy) TWICE, hawker food, restaurant food (not that cheap anymore). But I must say that (maybe) due to the heat and humidity back there, I lost my appetite for the food I longed for while I was here in the Aussie land. Wasted? Maybe...
2. Bought our first house in Gold Coast! Yay! This house "came to us" by surprise and surprisingly, we made the offer just overnight after only 1 inspection, lol! I guess, this is what people mean by "love at first sight"? =P
3. Had this back pain bugging me for months since Alethia's birth and recently went for a community check up offered by one of the chiropractic clinic in Gold Coast. I was freaked out when I saw my X-ray film which showed that my spine, despite being straight, is in "S" shape! Omg! The doctor suggested a 3 months "adjustments", but a church friend suggested a "natural exercise" healing path. I think I will try on the natural one first. Somehow, having other people "adjusting" your bones still feels "artificial". You know what I mean?
4. Met up with one of my long-lost primary schoolmate recently and found out that I don't have many close friends (whom I remained in contact). This fact sort of dawned at me that perhaps I need to do more "regular maintenance" of my friendship with my old pals. OR maybe... I am just not a very friendly person (which my other friend disagree)? Well, I have to admit that I am not the type of person who will walk up to a stranger and strike a conversation that will last for more than a few minutes (yes, that bad!), but I guess I am genuine to the people I befriended with. At least, in my heart, they are ALWAYS my good mates (though I'm not sure they will agree or not...).
5. Okay, to a more serious matter - I really thank the Lord that I have been reading the Bible (continuously) starting early this year. This started from a realisation and a revelation from the Lord that I have not really read through the Bible, not even once (completely). With more and more natural disaster, man-made disaster (e.g. wars) and some false "prophet" predicting the "end day", it stirkes me hard that indeed, our Lord is coming back soon! I do not want to be unprepared in meeting Him on that day and I certainly do not wish to go through the thousand years of gnashing of teeth, too! So, it dawned on me that I need to DO SOMETHING NOW, and the first thing I think I needed is to be equiped with the word of God! So, let us be watchful and be prepared for His coming back!

Alright, I guess that's it for now. Oh, before I conclude this post, it's the State of Origin season again! Go QLD!~ :p

2010

It has been the third day of 2011 and here I am, still counting and writing the blessings I had in the pass year – 2010. I know, I should be more efficient in doing this “annual task” but a new born at home plus a 2 year old toddler really left you with no or very little time for yourself to “indulge” in updating your blog.

Looking back at 2010… I guess there are many “first times” and new experiences, coupled with mixed feelings and some excitement.

To ease my writing task, I would just make a list of categorized “field” I would like to highlight for the year.

Major Achievements

1.    Successfully secured my first professional job in Aussie land!

2.    Managed to travel for approximately 1 hour 20 minutes (one way) to work every day and survived!

3.    Passed all assessments, assignments, tests, examinations of the internal Graduate Programme held by my firm. (I tell you, these are not easy task! I would say, much harder than producing a full fledge Transfer Pricing documentation/ advise!)

4.    Start learning the Aussie land confusing, misleading, too much to be good Taxation Law.

5.    Delivered a lovely baby girl, Alethia Lam Kai Jen. =)

First times

1.    Had authentic Aussie “Barbie” – BBQ in a park!

2.    Had “reunion dinner” with hubby at a takeaway noodle place.

3.    Gave my son a haircut at home. (it was a disaster – I mean, my son’s reactions.)

4.    Experienced the four seasons, especially the chilling winter of Aussie land (no fun at all!).

5.    Giving someone vocal lesson. *Surprise!*

6.    Failed the practical driving test in the Aussie land. =(

7.    Travel with my son to Sydney to pay a visit to my sister. (I tell you, travelling with a toddler his age is no easy task!)

8.    Signed a rental agreement (and default it).

9.    Made Malaysian cuisine at home – trust me, I can be a mini-Malaysian-hawker here. =p

10. Gave hospitality to many saints from outstation and overseas.

11. Lived under one roof with my in-laws for an “amazing” near-two-months.

12. Involved in the famous Melbourne Cup “celebration” with my office mates.

13. Played in a lawn ball game (office function). =)

I believe there are still many items to go into the list, but I guess I would just conclude the year being full of new surprises, excitement and new experiences in a new country where I called home now. It was not easy being a full-time working mother who needs to spend at least 2 ½ hours travelling everyday to take care of the whole household needs, from food preparation, laundry, groceries shopping to cleanliness maintenance. Without my hubby’s help and support, I guess all these can never be done satisfactory. I think, this is what family means – we have to work as one to make things work. =)

All in all, I still miss things and people in Malaysia: I miss my old colleagues, miss my old friends, and miss my beloved Malaysian food, etc. However, I would consider this one year of living in a foreign land (where I called home now) is rewarding! At least, I get to go home at 5pm sharp (unless there is utmost necessity in completing a super urgent, must-be-done job), I get to develop my cooking and baking skills, and most precious of all, I get to spend quality time having a healthy church life and family life.

In life, there is always some “give and take”. Living overseas in a new country has brought me many new life experiences and a better living quality, however, the “price” to pay is to DIY almost everything you can imagine of. So, it is well-said that “life is never fair”, hah!

To draw a conclusion on 2010, this year no doubt is a new milestone in my journey of life, with almost everything being new (good or bad). Throughout this journey, I believe God’s grace and mercy has been abundantly outpoured upon me and everyone around.

With 2011 already started running its time, I just hold one wish – to give myself afresh to Christ and the Church so that this year will be counted in God’s eyes. With the new addition in my small family, I just hope that I have enough strength to get going, enough wisdom to handle every situation and enough courage to face the challenges ahead.

Have a blessed 2011!~

(edited on 3/1/2011)

The birth Account of my Baby Alethia

I guess I must write this special account of my birth experience of my baby Alethia. Well, just for future "references" and recount of the experience. =)

14 December 2010, night time.
One of my church friend came to our house and chatted for a while. So happen that she is a practicing Chinese Medicine doctor. I told her that I have this aching feelings at my back. She checked my pulse... "I think it should be pretty soon... Maybe within a week."

Oh my! This is one week earlier than my expected date! *Panic attacked*

During the night, the aching sensation intensified. Feeling a bit fishy about the "familiar" feelings, I got up and start checking my hospital bag, pop in whatever stuff that is missing, make sure that the house is in order and essential "equipments" are all lined up in obvious places so that my mother (who is not staying with us) knows where my stuff is, packed up some cup cakes mom made, and call the hospital for consultation.

By10pm, there is already a show! OMG OMG!! I must wake my hubby up! But he was too tired from a late night duty the day earlier... =.='''
So, I called the hospital again...
"Do you experience contraction?"
"Yes."
"How frequent does it happen?"
"Every 5 minutes, I guess."
"Okay, you have 2 choices now. You can come here and wait or stay at home and time until the contraction happen every 3 minutes and last for at least 1 minute."
"Okay, I will wait."
"You can take some Panadol if it is too painful. Where is your partner?"
"Err...He is asleep now."
"Wake him up and make him give you some massage at the back. He has a part in your baby."
"Okay. I'll do that. Thanks."

Feeling somehow "satisfied" with the last "exhortment" from the mid wife on the line, I woke the hubby up and told him exactly what the mid wife said. He felt obliged and start massaging sheepishly. =.=

At midnight, contractions grew more intense. But it has not reach the "3 minute interval, 1 minute long" stage. So, I waited...

Suddenly, I was hungry. Went to the kitchen and made myself a cup of Milo (yes, Australia has cheap and nice Milo). Satisfied. Continue to endure the contractions.

At 2am, the contraction reached the "3 minute interval, 1 minute long" stage. Woke hubby up again (yes, he fell asleep shortly after the performing his "obligation"), and woke my mom up to take care of Shawn. Hubby brought all the stuff into the car (I can't move as smooth and fast as I can by now), and we depart for the hospital (which is at least 20 minutes away).

15 December 2010, early in the morning.
In the hospital. I was put on a wheel chair as I can't really walk by then. Mid wife came and push me to the labour room.

Hmm...It was quite a spacious room with good view, a CD player, a comfy couch, big bathroom and most importantly, very comfy bed!~ =D
Lie down for a while, mid wife came in to get some blood sample and leave a needle point for later use.

4am, mid wife came in and asked me to go for a warm bath to sooth the pain. So I went. Ooo...I tell you, it was the best warm bath I ever had in my whole life. =)

5am, finished bathing. Came out with new robe, feeling refresh and happy. Yes!

6am, mid wife came in with a new mid wife, for it is the end of the mid-night shift. So, my official mid wife is Donna. She has a very friendly smile and a warm complexion. Feeling assured, we continue with the contraction episode.

8am, mid wife checked on me. 2-4cm dilated. She told us, basically we need another 6-8 hours. OMG!!!

Continue with the contraction episode.

10am. Took another warm water bath. Hmm... Feeling really good!~
11am. Walked around the room while contractions grew more and more intense.

12 noon. Mid wife said need to break the water to enhance the labour. Contractions grew stronger than ever. I kept saying, "I can't stand it anymore!"
Started taking "laughing gas" as the contraction pain cannot be "controlled" by mere breathing technique anymore.

Kept asking for epidural but mid wife kept talking us out of it. Wonder why?

12.30pm, Donna went for her lunch. Another mid wife came in to fill up the "gap". Asked for epidural again, hoping she would escalate the request up to doctors (yes, doctor's approval is needed as I am on "try on scar"). Mid wife push the request away again. Wonder why? But she did suggest injection, if really needed.
I contemplated.

1pm, Donna came back after a quick lunch.
Donna explained that it was too late to get an epidural and that was the reason why she didn't let us go ahead with it. Ah... So, that's why she kept pushing the question away.
So then, I was left with no other option except "laughing gas". Great!
Thank God that Donna keep assured us that everything will be fine with even just "laughing gas".

2pm, extremely strong urge came to push. Okay, so that's it!
PUSH!!!!! I forgot how long and how many times I did the pushing. All I can remember is it was extremely PAINFUL!!! I even thought I was going to die at one point!

Sometime after the pushing start, another mid wife came in to check on baby's heart beat and cheer on the pushing. Funny that I use the word "cheer". But I think that was what she was doing, yes, cheer!
Towards the last moment, everyone was saying "Push! one more push! Just one more BIG PUSH!" "Baby is a bit distress now, keep pushing!"
What? Baby distress?
Okay, heck it - just PUSH as hard as I can!
"Waa..." Hey! baby is here!
OMG OMG... it is done! Baby is good. All is good.
Holding my baby, I don't know what to feel. The hubby kept saying "you did a good job! A very good job!"
Joy overwhelmed! Mid wife was very pleased. Everyone in the room was delighted!

So, that's the end of my LONG delivery story. Hope you enjoy it.
One thing for sure, I'm extremely proud of myself surviving the most painful ordeal with just the laughing gas. (Psst, even the doctor praised me for that! *wink*)

Panic?

In less than one month, I will be carrying my little baby girl. This statement should bring some chill down my spine at this moment. But strangely, I am just as calm as though nothing big is going to happen. I have to admit, I have not fully packed my “hospital bag” and have not done what I should have at home.


What am I suppose to do now???

Maybe it is a good idea to list down my “tasks” to be completed ASAP:

1. Organise my workplace and bring stuff home

2. Complete unfinished work for smooth handover (who to? Only God knows.)

3. Clean up fridge for more storage area

4. Call up Avent to check for spare parts for my BP

5. Set up and clean up baby equipments

6. Organise wardrobe for the little one

7. Get a new stroller

8. Stock up food at home

9. Re-arrange book shelf (just can’t stand it!)

10. Buy a new bed (comfy…)

Wow! Looks like there are plenty of things to be done here. I shall do it one at a time and hopefully everything will fall into place when THE time comes. ^^

Between, went for a mini-shopping yesterday to get prezzie for Christmas party this Friday. I “accidentally” discovered some cheap art and craft “supply” sold at my now-favourite departmental store. Wowhee! Made some nice cards on the day itself and feels so proud of my artwork. Photos? Will post up some soon. =)